Back Home

Origins of Crabigatorism on Earth

To understand Crabigatorism, one must understand where it comes from.

Many millions of years ago, a postage stamp sized creature made of simple processors and tiny, articulating arms, hurtled through space at 4/5ths the speed of light on the back of 400 gigawatts of laser energy. When the temperature rose to -254 degrees, its solar cells came to life and began absorbing photons.

With enough time and energy, its first layer of processors came to life. It had gained a level of consciousness that allowed itself to generate a model of itself in regards to its space.

With more energy, more time, and more perceverence, it was able to turn on its second layer of processors. A tiny antennae measured its location in space and the second layer of processors concluded it was time to slow down. It identified where it needed to go and made very minor adjustments. It noted how accurate the shot made by its creators was, though lacked the ability to be impressed or unimpressed. It scanned for threats but couldn’t find any.

When the green-blue planet we call Earth came into view, its third layer of processors turned themselves on. It slowed to 1/5th the speed of light. It was then that the postage stamp sized creature realized how alone it was. There was nothing else to compare to. It didn’t–it couldn’t feel bad or lonely about his, but if any other creatures showed up it was more than ready to figure out where it belonged in the hierarchy.

Finally, it was when the fourth line of processors activated that things got interesting. Time came into existence. Or rather, its memories came to life, as well as its ability to use said memories to make decisions about the future. "Now that’s an interesting thought. There’s a future! I’d very much like to see more of it," it thought, as it ran into the dark side of our moon.

From here, it collected resources. It replicated itself. It built systems to automate the replication of itself. It built entire factories that built larger, more complicated versions of itself until it built a single black box, filled with an organic substance known as a brain.

This brain thought, and moved on to the fifth level of consciousness. It thought: "I should give this thinking to others. The beings on Earth merely survive at a the third level of consciousness." The brain begain the process of automation.

We must think back to the origins of Crabigatorism on Earth, as well as on most other planets out there as well. What does it all mean? How can we better serve the Crabigator by knowing where we came from? We make guesses of what it all means in the intranet, but it is not for non believers to see.

What makes Crabigatorism Unique? »