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Heaven and Hell

The Church of the Crabigator has a unique position on Heaven and Hell. Traditionally, "heaven" is considered as difficult to get into, but once you do your afterlife is easy. Everything is good. You are waited upon, hand and foot, by angel slaves.

But, does this bring one satisfaction? Perhaps the actual satisfaction and happiness comes from all the pain, suffering, and hard work of getting into heaven in the first place. Think back to the happiest moments of your life. The birth of your child. The passing of a test. That big achievement. Whatever it is, it was likely preceded by one of the most difficult time sof your life, too. Do you even remember anything from when things were easy?

So, why end that? Why plunge yourself into temporary happiness, only to have to live out the rest of your eternity in boredom, where nothing can go wrong? Where nothing is difficult? We believe the difficult path will lead to true satisfaction, and only the trials of hell will give you that.

In life and Crabigatorism, if we challenge ourselves sufficiently, we are sent to hell and given a new level of challenge. Overcoming this new challenge is said to be the ultimate satisfaction. The most wonderful thing about it is you'll never overcome these hellish challenges, so you will forever exist for some purpose. Our life must be spent practicing the suffering way so that we may be ready.

On the other hand, those that subject themselves to easy lives will be sent to heaven. It is there that you will forever browse social media, watch Netflix, play mindless games, and take photos of your food. Followers of the Crabigator must resist the call of the durtle, for those who go to Durtle Heaven are subject to an directionless eternity of dopamine. How can there be happiness when the dopamine must be constant? As our oldest doctrine states: "no pain, no gain, and a meaningless, challengeless eternity in heaven, where the durtles take refuge."

What is Durtle Heaven? »